She walks into the bar and I realise that I’ve been nervous ever since I left the house this morning. As she walks closer I realise that I have much stronger feelings for her than I thought, than I ever admitted to myself. My mouth goes dry, my mind blank. This happens in the middle of a conversation I’m having with the person next to me. Somehow I manage to continue talking, although I am no longer sure that I am making any sense. It’s important I finish the conversation or change the topic to give myself space to breath. I have no right to feel this way.
It takes her a millennium to cross the floor to the table. Every second, every step she takes is imprinting itself on my mind. It will be the last thought before I fall asleep tonight. My eyes find hers and I see the truth of my thoughts in them. I expect my heart to skip at this. It doesn’t. It jumps into my mouth. I quickly avert my eyes for fear of being consumed by this sudden fire that I thought had died but now realised had been smouldering and growing in spite of itself. It has no right to exist.
She sits down and smiles but only looks at me furtively. I decide that she’s uncomfortable and I am making her so. With a great effort I remove all thought of her from my mind. But not completely, that’s not possible. Eventually I say hi and she says hi back. And just like that it passes. Or maybe I gain a semblance of control. Either way the moment has passed. It had no right being there in the first place.
The evening goes on and we talk about everything and nothing. Until it’s time to go. Time to return from this brief holiday from our lives. Time to drive back to our realities husbands and wives; girlfriends and boyfriends; empty beds, not only for the unmarried. Away from temptation that has no right in this place.
I tell myself that I don’t want any interludes while I wonder if it would be worth it. I purposefully miss the irony of the contradiction as I get into my car. Its better this way, I say. As I drive home I wonder what she is thinking as she is driving home. I have no right to have these thoughts.
Yet I do feel this way; there is a fire that is once again burning bright; I know there will be more moments when we knowingly lock eyes; and I feel the temptation still. I know I will never see her again. And that’s for the best. I’ve never been good at lying to myself.