Heaven maybe…

“Heaven?  Heaven is watching her run into the water at the beach. Building the most ridiculous sand castles and playing dragons and princesses. Heaven is her feeding me her popcorn while we watch the sun set. Her complete and unconditional trust that I would get her home safely. Heaven is her taking my hand as we walk back to the car, being present in the moment and knowing that in this space and time I could never be happier.

Heaven is also the way he smiles when he sees me driving into the driveway. The barely controlled excitement of spending time with me that washes his face. Heaven is sitting across the table from him at breakfast and just watching him eat. Sitting up until 11 o’clock at night because we both want to maximise the time we have together. Heaven is the way we talk to each other without speaking and laugh without saying a word.  That is heaven.”

“Hell is the other thing.

Hell is when he asks with surprise and hurt in his voice if I’m leaving already. It’s the way he gets quiet when he sees his driveway and realises that I am going to leave him again. Hell, is that first hour on the road back when I know deep in my heart and with each kilometre I drive away that I am failing him.

Hell is also the drive out on that Sunday afternoon. Knowing that I need so much more time with her, time to learn her and for her to learn me. Hell is realising how much time I have thrown down the drain because of my useless, impotent pride. Hell is knowing that soon she will start asking if I am leaving already. And I will have no answer for her.”


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