I am not a fully formed person yet and I expected her to fill the void. Maybe she is so pure of heart that I needed to be complete in myself to be with her? And knowing that I can never be complete maybe I was never meant to be with her. It is possible that she has played her role in my life and I in hers. And would that be so wrong? Did I not enjoy being in her space the last year? No matter what anyone says and no matter how badly it may end up, falling in love is still the best feeling in the world.
No. Waking up one day and realising you have fallen in love is better. Trying to understand your love for someone and failing miserably because it makes no sense except to your heart. And you’re in such euphoria you cannot talk to your heart, you have no interest in what it has to say, no desire to understand. The anticipation of seeing her in the morning in class and knowing that just the back of her head is enough to brighten the day. She says she doesn’t like romance and romantic language, but these words are the only thing I have. The rest is just raw emotion that I have failed to contain.
I want to tell her that I’ll wait for her. However long it takes. But I fear all she wants to do is build a wall around her.
And now I will have to see her and pretend I do not feel my heart breaking. I will have to smile at her and everyone and wonder how she doesn’t feel the same. At how wrong the poets were, because love is not contagious. It is a disease sure, but one you suffer through on your own. I will have to build my own wall up again.
And knowing what I know now, would I change anything? I would tell her much earlier that I loved her and get my heart broken sooner. So I may have another chance to fall in love with her all over again.